Remember when you were a little kid, and playing on the swing set was the greatest thing ever? It was so much fun to see how high you could go. That breathless moment when you felt the rope slacken at the peak of your swing, and, just for a moment, you felt weightless, disconnected from the world. Then, the rope snapped back, you felt the pressure of the seat again as it carried you back towards the ground. Over, and over, up, and down, swinging, floating, falling. It just isn’t the same as an adult. You can get on a swing set now, try and recreate that feeling, but the innocent joy and wonder is gone.
Anhedonia is like that. It slowly falls over you like a shroud. It sucks the joy out of everything. Nothing is the same, and, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t feel the way you used to. It’s like sitting on the swing, knowing you can’t relive the delight of the past, but desperately trying to anyway.
Poor, Sick, and Shunned 
I’ve never seen anyone write a post on anhedonia. As a matter of fact, any time I’ve mentioned the word, no one has heard of it. In 1990 I found a therapist known to be the real deal at diagnosing. After several visits he gave me the low-down: I suffered from anedonia–the inability to experience joy. He said my childhood abuse was the cause and there was NO CHANCE FOR REVERSING IT. Whoa! I stayed with him for a while and he tried to help me learn to live with the diagnosis. I finally quit because I couldn’t afford to keep going, but the point here is: I think what he said was only partially true. It can be a life sentence unless you make up your mind that you’re going to fight it away. I didn’t start really fighting it for many years (25), but it can get better. You just described exactly what anhedonia feels like. I feel a bit of relief just knowing someone else understands. Thanks for writing with such honestly.
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I’ve been fighting it tooth and nail. I feel like I’m making progress, but it’s really, really slow progress.
I’m really sorry that you suffer from anhedonia. I wouldn’t wish this condition on my worst enemy. My heart truly goes out to you.
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I’m glad you are fighting, not succumbing to it. It isn’t something that you “get over” I don’t think. The “Once Day At a time” saying is the way to manage it, and a constant attempt to create the joy for ourselves. Connecting with others through blogging has changed my life–I hope you find it helpful too!
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*One* day at a time 🙂
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