Get Back Down There, Worm!

Less Than a Worm

I’m at the bottom, and I’m afraid I always will be. It doesn’t matter how hard I work to climb up, I’m always forced back down. I fall, I get up, I climb. I fall, I get up, I climb. A rising and falling tide, a perfect cycle of failure. It’s happened a hundred times too many, I’m afraid. Cynicism and suicidal ideation are my reaction to everything now. I will lay  in this filth until I break, and when that happens I will kill myself.

I’m making excuses for my personal failure in life, yes? I have a defeatist attitude, yes? I deserve everything I get, or don’t get, yes? I’m weak, yes? I’m stupid, yes? I’m worthless. Yes. I believe I am.

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3 thoughts on “Get Back Down There, Worm!

  1. mandy

    You don’t have to believe this, but, I have uttered those very words. Many times. Blogging has pulled me out of it. It’s taken a while, but I don’t feel that way now. Your writing these posts, adding images that draw in the reader, tells me you are a talented, intelligent person who has a story. You’re telling it in small bits and pieces, and the pain is certainly commensurate with the feelings you have in this post. Please keep writing and hanging on. It can get better. I promise.

    Liked by 1 person

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  2. me

    Hi. Just want to say thanks for posting. It’s nice to have thoughts echoed. I can relate to the frustration of having to justify your apathy after so many setbacks to others who simply can’t see or appreciate how hard you’ve actually tried. How sometimes the strength of your defeatism and darkness and crappy attitude is as a direct result of how much you *desperately* want to get up and the despair from having your high hopes crushed again. (After all, if you really didn’t you could easily not be here at all.) But all they see is the results – the bad attitude following another defeat and the darkness you bring to their day by naively mentioning the S-word forgetting almost no one can handle it (and who can blame them) – without the positive struggle when you deserve a medal for picking yourself up for the nth time and trying again. To have people recognise that inner strength and grit without only seeing the weak, pathetic parts would be a nice feeling.

    Liked by 1 person

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